I Think I Hurt Myself
by Hester
Summary: Lisa Applegrass is going to be a big star some day. That day, is not today, but when she goes for an audition and bring a friend, Hortense, they soon become the worst extras LOTR ever used. OB romance too
1. Prologue!

A/N: Her name is Hortense. Why? Because I wanted it to be. This is FICTIONAL. I don't even know OB, so please, take this for what it is, a brief foray into lunacy for the sheer entertainment value it may bring. If nothing else, it should give you a good laugh...at my expense. Reviews make me happy, flames...look, if you hate it that much, just stop reading. Oh, and...yeah, here it comes...I've never met/talked to/seen/touched/kissed Mr. Bloom, so I'm making all of this up. What right do I have to write a story about someone I don't know? None. But I'm doing it anyway, so tough nookies!  
  
I Think I Hurt Myself  
  
Prologue: Who needs sleep? Certainly not me...  
  
It was three in the morning. Who on earth would call someone at three in the morning? Rolling onto her side, Hortense reached out a limp arm for the phone.  
  
"Hello?" she managed to mumble.  
  
"Horty? It's Lisa, I've got an AUDITION!"  
  
"Wh...What?"  
  
"I've got an audition! For a moovvviiieee!"  
  
Hortense grunted.  
  
"It's called Everyone Falls for a Finish Man...can you believe it! I'm going to be in a movie!"  
  
"Mmmm?"  
  
"Well, maybe, but...oh, how could the not like me?!"  
  
"Hmmm..."  
  
"Well, I thought about taking you with me...you know...for moral support?"  
  
"Where?"  
  
"New Zealand!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Well, I figure I'll start with foreign films, and work my way up. Oh...didn't I mention, it's in Portuguese! Isn't that exciting!"  
  
"But, you can't even speak Spanish!"  
  
"I'll learn!"  
  
"How?"  
  
"Don't you speak Latin?"  
  
"How is that going to help!!??"  
  
"I dunno. But I'm sure they'd let you be an extra or something," Lisa said with a giggle. Hortense sighed. She missed her pillow.  
  
"To New Zealand?! Lisa, I'm still in middle of classes!"  
  
"I know, can't you take a leave of absence or something?"  
  
"NO! We're only two days away from the end of school! Can you wait that long?"  
  
"Well, if it means that much to you, I suppose," Lisa sighed on the other end. Hortense rolled her eyes. Deprivation of sleep made her grumpy.  
  
"Alright. I'll call you tomorrow...morning."  
  
"Ok. Bye!"  
  
Hortense slammed the phone down, and collapsed back into her bed. New Zealand? She looked at the clock. 3:30 in the morning. Well, the first day of her final exams was already shot. She only hoped she could keep her eyes open during her first exam. She was pursuing a physics major, against her better judgment. It basically killed her social life. She could do nothing but worry about grades and tests, and trying to balance the millions of math and science courses she was trying to wade through.  
  
She rolled out of bed and stumbled towards the door. Her roommate had yet to return, no doubt caught up in an all night study session. New Zealand. This was going to be a catastrophe. 


	2. Plane Rides and Dreams

A/N: Yeah, yeah, standard disclaimer. Just get on with it... Orli in upcoming chapters, promise! Oh, and all the places mentioned are made up. I've never been to New Zealand...anyone wanna take me? So, I have to use my imagination, so, if you see any glaring errors; please tell me so I don't look so stupid -_-;  
  
Chapter One  
  
Plane Rides and Dreams  
  
Hortense was seated next to Lisa, her head leaning against the cool, reassuring glass of the plane. The flight would be long, and she was already heavily drugged on Dramamine. She frowned as she saw the small paper sack tucked in the seat-back pocket. No, she mused, she would not need that this time. With any luck, she would be asleep for most of the flight.  
  
Lisa was busily riffling through a script, written completely in Portuguese.  
  
"Why did you take this audition?!"  
  
"Because it'll be fun! Something new! Don't be such a spoilsport! Where's your sense of adventure?!"  
  
Hortense eyed the small paper sack.  
  
"It left me for another woman," Hortense muttered dryly. Lisa stuck her tongue out, and then went back to memorizing highlighted lines.  
  
The Dramamine started to kick in and she felt herself slowly start to drift off. Had she known then what she was getting herself into, Hortense probably would never have agreed to come.  
  
The plane landed and Hortense stumbled to her feet, groggily trying to wipe the sleep from her eyes. Lisa was already grabbing for various bags, the script tucked under her arm.  
  
"You coming?" she muttered, quickly picking her way towards the plane exit. Hortense scowled.  
  
"Yes," she mumbled, hefting her own bag over her shoulder, books falling everywhere. Grumbling absently, she started throwing them in, not caring how many pages she bent in the process.  
  
Fifteen minutes later, Hortense emerged, bags hanging from every available limb on her body.  
  
"Are you ok?" Lisa asked tentatively, watching as her friend's eyes glaze over.  
  
"Yes. I'm fine. Let's just get out of here," Hortense answered, looking for the nearest exit. Lisa nodded.  
  
"Well, lucky for us, I have an uncle that lives around here," Lisa said with a smirk. Hortense paused.  
  
"Uncle Willie?" she ventured with a slight shudder. Lisa nodded happily. Uncle William Edward Applegrass was notorious for his practical jokes and get rich quick schemes. The latest of which had something to do with real estate. But Hortense allowed herself to be led towards a jovial, rotund, middle-aged man, with graying black hair, and a huge grin spread across his sunburned face.  
  
"Lisa! Horty! Girls, it's so good to see you!" Uncle Willie exclaimed, wrapping them both in a massive embrace. Pleasantries were exchanged and the group made its way through the throngs of people in the New Zealand airport.  
  
Uncle Willie led them towards his beat up, blue chevy pick-up and ushered them in. Hortense, by then, had already fallen in love. The atmosphere was enough to send her into a sort of head rush, and the clear blue skies beaconed to her. Flowers were everywhere, and a sweet breeze combed through her tousled hair. It was a paradise, and she started to wonder if maybe they hadn't landed on the wrong island.  
  
"This is amazing," she breathed, throwing her bags into the pick-up. Lisa nodded.  
  
"I know. We're going to have so much fun!" Lisa squealed as they piled into the battered truck. It started with a growl and they sputtered off.  
  
"Where do you live Uncle Willie?" Lisa questioned, trying to get comfortable, squeezed into the small seat.  
  
"A few miles from the coast," he answered with a gleam in his eyes. Obviously, business was good.  
  
"Really? Must be beautiful!" Hortense said. Her gaze remained glued to the window. Everything was green and somehow bigger. She couldn't wait to get out and wander. She wanted to see every square inch she could, wanted to experience everything. Lisa's gaze was turned towards the script in her hand.  
  
"Do you know Portuguese?" she asked. Uncle Willie shook his head.  
  
"No, but I think the housekeeper might," he answered. Hortense bristled.  
  
"You have a housekeeper now?" she sputtered. Willie shrugged.  
  
"She doesn't really do much. Actually, she just sits around and smokes. Sometimes she yells at me for wearing my shoes in the house, or screams something in a foreign language. But boy, can she cook!" he started into huge detail about a tuna casserole she threw together a few nights ago, and how it was almost better than sex, but not quite. Hortense shivered as a horrible mental image manifested itself in her mind. She looked to Lisa, who was trying not to giggle.  
  
"Oh, well...see, the script is in Portuguese. And...well, I'm not even sure what I'm saying," Lisa said, flipping idly through the script.  
  
"All in Portuguese you say? Well then...hmmm...I'm sure there's someone we can find to translate it. Maybe Ol' Eddie could find someone. He has connections, you know," Uncle Willie started. Hortense smiled to herself. Eddie was an ancient old man, which had "connections" in everything. Nobody knew quite how he made all these connections, only that if you ever needed anything, Eddie could get if for you. Lisa nodded.  
  
"I think it would do wonders for my delivery if I knew what I was saying," she blushed.  
  
Miles later, the pick-up pulled into a rather deserted, almost abandoned resort area.  
  
"Uncle Willie...what is this place?" Lisa asked. The once paved road was now almost completely overtaken by weeds and grass. Trees were everywhere, and ivy had started to grow on the half-destroyed buildings.  
  
"It used to be a high-end resort, but the owner went bankrupt. It went ignored for years, and then I found it," he said with a grin.  
  
"Are people actually staying here?" Hortense asked, incredulous.  
  
"Not yet," he answered, pulling onto a side road, in just as bad shape.  
  
He stopped in front of a partially restored building. It held a spark of its once grand past. An elegant white building, with sloping lines, graceful arches, and lavish balconies, set beside a sea of flowers and flourishing green trees.  
  
Willie hopped out of the truck, towards a creaking, slightly crooked rod iron gate. He whipped out a key and soon, it was open.  
  
"This is unreal," Hortense breathed.  
  
"I know," Lisa murmured.  
  
Uncle Willie meandered his way through the overgrowth around the building, stopped the truck, and with a formal sigh, got out.  
  
"Here we are ladies...welcome to château d'étoile."  
  
Hortense smiled. Uncle Willie had a deep southern accent, and anything said in a foreign language came out slightly mangled. French, especially, was absolutely shredded. He blushed slightly.  
  
"The previous owner was French," he explained.  
  
"I think it's a wonderful name," Lisa exclaimed. Hortense nodded.  
  
"What does it mean?" she asked.  
  
"I'm not sure. Haven't gotten around to translating it," he answered.  
  
The girls gathered their bags and followed Uncle Willie. Hortense's breath got caught in her throat as she saw the entrance. A huge, soaring arc, intricately detailed, outlining an ancient black gate that was hanging a bit awkwardly on the hinges. It looked so Romantic, so strangely tragic, she felt a chill run up her spine as she stepped over the threshold.  
  
It dawned on her, slowly, that maybe this was no ordinary resort. She quickly put the thought out of her mind, dismissing with a small laugh. What? Is it haunted or something? She was old enough not to be scared of the dark or things that went bump in the night. But still, she remembered the strange tingle that danced across her skin as she had walked inside.  
  
Eh, ok, so, what'd ya think? R/R please!! 


	3. Surfing. Typing.

A/N: Standard disclaimer…he no mine. Me no know he. Him is purdie. OB soon…I promise!  
  
1 Chapter Three  
  
From the Beginning  
  
Hortense awoke the next morning, feeling rather out of sorts.  
  
"Jet lag's a bitch" she muttered, slowly falling out of the huge, four-poster bed and array of covers and pillows she had managed to mutilate during the night. Checking the clock, she groaned. She heard someone outside her door and stumbled to her feet.  
  
"Lis?"  
  
"Horty! You're finally up! You've slept through almost the entire day!" Lisa exclaimed. Hortense blinked.  
  
"What?"  
  
"It's three in the afternoon!" she exclaimed with a smile.  
  
"How can you be so energetic?"  
  
Lisa held up a can of Moutain Dew.  
  
"Caffeine is a good thing," Lisa said with a perfectly white smile. Hortense raised an eyebrow.  
  
"Point me in the direction of sugar," she said with a wry smile. Lisa laughed and grabbed her friend's hand, leading her towards the spiral staircase at the end of the hallway. The entire building was like something out of an old movie. Huge windows and grand, spiraling staircases, detail everywhere, Hortense decided she could spend a week just looking around the resort.  
  
"So, what are we doing today?" Hortense managed after a huge cup of coffee.  
  
"Well, you need to help me with my script…then, Uncle Willie wants to take us surfing!" Lisa exclaimed happily.  
  
"Surfing? Really? Oh geez…" Hortense sighed. She had never been very good at sports. She could run with the rest of them, but her eye-hand coordination needed work. Dancing, especially, was a bit of a stretch for her. She had a reputation for causing physical pain to her partners if they weren't careful.  
  
"Don't worry, I'm sure you'll be fine!" Lisa said casually, taking another sip of her Mountain Dew. Hortense arched an eyebrow. Surfing…she could barely stand on a skateboard.  
  
***  
  
"Eu te amo, você hunk do homem, você hunk manly de amor ardente. Faça exame de me agora!"* Lisa exclaimed, staring at her feet. Hortense nodded.  
  
"Você máquina ardente do amor! Eu te amo mais do que a vida!"*she said, reading the script. Lisa nodded.  
  
"I'll never get this…" she sighed.  
  
"You've got most of it! Just one more line…"  
  
There was a pause as Lisa studied her fingernails.  
  
"O amor é como uma vela ardente, e eu queimei-me! Beije-me você tolo! Eu amo um homem finnish!"* she exclaimed passionately. The housekeeper, Bea, incidentally knew a little Portuguese. Apparently, she had briefly dated a Portuguese professional wrestler, but had split up only recently because he decided he needed more of a commitment. She wasn't willing to sire a child to the wrestling tradition. But was quite happy to be in New Zealand and busied herself with sitting around, watching soaps, and smoking like a chimney. Every now and then she would get out the vacuum, curse at it, and run it over the same rug for a few minutes.  
  
At that moment, Uncle Willie came crashing into the kitchen, sawdust all over his shirt, a grin on his face. He was overseeing the reconstruction of the resort with a team of builders and a general racket pervaded the area.  
  
"Suit-up ladies! We're hitting the beach!" he exclaimed.  
  
***  
  
Hortense eyed the waves wearily. Lisa was already plunging towards the surf, board tucked under her arm.  
  
"So…here I am," she muttered to no one in particular. Her surfboard was still in the sand. She looked at it and sighed. This would not be pretty. With a sigh, she picked it up and rambled towards the surf, in no hurry. There were other surfers already out in the waves, happily going about their business. She hoped she didn't make a complete and total fool of herself, but figured it was probably too late. Uncle Willie beaconed her towards where he and Lisa were standing, waist high, in the water.  
  
"Alright…so…what do I do?" she asked evenly, as the board bobbed up and down on the waves. Lisa giggled and started to go through an explanation, Uncle Willie adding things here and there.  
  
"Ok…er…so…uh…I just…get on like this?" she questioned, flopping onto the board. Lisa nodded and did the same, but with a certain grace that Hortense seemed to lack.  
  
"And then, you go like this," Lisa said, paddling towards the waves. Hortense balked.  
  
"Oh dear," she whispered, following her friend. No sooner did the first wave come, than Hortense was sprawled in the water, legs and arms flailing.  
  
"I can't surf!" she gurgled. Lisa giggled and tried to reach a hand to help her friend.  
  
"Give it another chance, you'll get it," Uncle Willie said, propping the 23 year old on her feet.  
  
"Alright," Hortense conceded. Again, she flopped onto the board. This time, she made it through about two waves (still on her stomach, arms and legs latched onto the sides of the board) before plunging into the ocean's depths.  
  
Lisa sighed.  
  
"Hortense, I think you truly are hopeless," she sighed, arching one perfectly plucked eyebrow delicately. Hortense gurgled something and flopped the wet, tangled hair plastered to her face out of her way.  
  
"You're supportive," she mumbled.  
  
"Maybe surfing just isn't you thing?"  
  
"Yeah, whatever," Hortense said, getting to her feet, board bobbing happily beside her.  
  
"I think it would be better to get to land, hm?"  
  
"Whatever," Hortense muttered again. She figured a sour disposition was her prerogative.  
  
It was at that moment, as a wet, defeated, tired woman stepped onto soggy, awkward sand that fate decided to throw Hortense Adams a curve ball.  
  
"I hate surfing!" she screeched.  
  
"Typing?"  
  
Hortense wheeled around.  
  
"No…surfing."  
  
"It sounded rather like typing."  
  
"Well, I meant surfing…" Hortense said awkwardly. Standing before her was a tall, lanky brown-eyed man with a mohawk. He was smirking and looked to be enjoying her discomfort. Standing up straighter, she met his gaze and tried desperately to repress the blush spreading across her face.  
  
"Surfing. I said surfing," she tried with a shaky breath.  
  
"Surfing? But why?" he returned, a strange light dancing in his eyes.  
  
"Because…because it's detrimental to one's health, don't you know? You could drown…and all that flailing, well, it's enough to cause one to pull a muscle, or worse! Break a bone! In fact you could even hit your head on the surfboard, and then, where would you be?!" Hortense explained, draping a towel around her body.  
  
"Hit your head on the surfboard?" he questioned.  
  
"Yes! Of course…it probably happens all the time!"  
  
Hortense squirmed under his gaze but refused to look away. He arched a perfect eyebrow and let out a small chuckle.  
  
"You're one of those girls that quits the first time she tries something…" he said with a sigh. Hortense straightened indignantly.  
  
"What?"  
  
"It's true, isn't it?"  
  
"It most certainly is not! And you're rather rude, aren't you?"  
  
"I'm only speaking the truth."  
  
"Well…well…well…I don't care…you're still rude! Excuse me," she blubbered, trying to walk past him. His laughter continued to ring in her ear as she sought the comfort of a beach umbrella.  
  
"Well he was certainly a bastard," Hortense gurgled.  
  
"Who?" Lisa questioned, sitting down. She started to pull on her bikini, her golden blond hair somehow already dry in the sun.  
  
"Some…some guy," she answered.  
  
"Name?"  
  
"Don't know. I never found out. In fact, I'd very much rather not know…in fact I don't want to meet him ever again!n ha HA! That'll show him…won't it…yes…" she let out a sigh.  
  
"What on earth happened?" Lisa questioned with a musical giggle.  
  
"Nothing big…I was just being a big dork and rather by chance, some rude bastard overheard me screeching…and…decided to have a little fun. I'm such a loser!" Hortense sighed dramatically.  
  
"I already knew that. In fact, I shouldn't even be hanging around you, it's bad for my reputation! Come on, stop sulking, I bet he doesn't even remember."  
  
Hortense smiled.  
  
"No. Probably not."  
  
Well? R/R please! 


	4. Of My Secrets

A/N: Standard disclaimer. It's all fictional, original characters are mine...you really want them? Everything else belongs to...well...whatever they belong to. Don't sue! ^_^;  
  
Chapter Three  
  
Of My Secrets  
  
  
  
Hortense lowered her sunglasses over her eyes and proceeded to stare at the umbrella. Lisa was still in the surf, a small group of admiring boys crowded around, hoping for another bathing suit mishap. When one particularly rough wave had caught Lisa, her top had come completely off. By accident...of course. Uncle Willie was still hunting for the perfect wave, and Hortense was languidly soaking up the sun, happily oblivious to the world around her.  
  
She vaguely heard footsteps around her, and was barely aware of a presence near her head. Hortense screeched as sand started pouring over her body and face. Her eyes shot open and she was on her feet in a minute.  
  
"YOU!" she screeched, pointing an accusatory finger at the mohawked stranger.  
  
"Me?" he asked, pointing to himself innocently.  
  
"What are you doing?!" she yelped.  
  
"I'm walking...is that a crime?"  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"What happened to you?" he asked, pointing to the mess on top of her head. Hortense absently tried to run a hand through the tangled, sandy mess of her hair.  
  
"You!" she screeched again.  
  
"Me?! Why do you blame everything on me?!"  
  
"Because it's always your fault!"  
  
"Who *are* you anyway?" he questioned, stepping back.  
  
"Hortense...who're you?"  
  
"Hortense?"  
  
"Yes. Hortense. What's your name?"  
  
He paused a moment.  
  
"Orlando."  
  
"And you were making fun of Hortense?"  
  
"I wasn't making fun of it."  
  
Hortense narrowed her eyes.  
  
He glared back.  
  
"You're making my head hurt," she sighed. Orlando looked back wryly.  
  
"Oh, you're one to speak."  
  
"What's with the mohawk?" she questioned, pointing towards his head. Orlando sighed. The explanation alone would take at least fifteen minutes. Answering the million and two questions everyone always asked would take another fifteen, and at the moment, he did not particularly want to spend half of an hour with this dismal girl.  
  
"I like mohawks," he answered. Hortense muttered something, then shrugged.  
  
Lisa started back for shore as she noticed her friend engaged in a rather heated discussion with a strange looking man. He was tall, and had a weird hairdo, that *almost* looked like a mohawk...had it been green and spiked, she would have sworn he was her ex-boyfriend, Worg. He was amazingly thin, almost skeletal looking, and was all but glaring at her Hortense.  
  
"Hi!" she exclaimed happily joining the two. Hortense forced a smile and turned to her friend.  
  
"Hey Lisa...this is Orlando," she said after a long pause. Hortense watched his eyes follow the sinewy curves of her friend with a frown. He was like every other dog out there. She sighed and turned away.  
  
"So, Orlando, what's with the hair?" Lisa asked with a well placed giggle. He flashed a smile and Hortense felt her shoulders droop slightly.  
  
"It's for a movie," he answered, a strange lilt to his voice.  
  
"Oh really? What's it called?" Lisa asked, her blue eyes alight.  
  
"Well, you probably haven't heard of it...it's the first in a series, you see..." he trailed off long enough to make sure Lisa was hooked on his every movement. Hortense looked generally disinterested as she took a swig from her bottle of water.  
  
"It's the first Lord of the Rings book...Fellowship of the Ring. Maybe you've heard of it?" he asked with another grin, his eyes fastened onto Lisa. Hortense let out a gurgle then fell to the sand choking. Her water bottle fell from her hand and she started clutching at her throat, free arm waving wildly.  
  
"Horty! Are you ok! Oh my-someone help!" Lisa exclaimed, running to her fallen friend. Hortense closed her eyes, feeling someone grab her around the waist. With quick, forceful thrusts, the water dislodged itself from her windpipe and splatered onto the sand. She started gasping immediately, and didn't dare open her eyes for fear of what would be gazing back.  
  
"Thank you," she croaked, opening her eyes to see his smirking visage looking back. He shrugged.  
  
"What happened?"  
  
"I...I...I've read those books," she answered with an embarrassed smile. Not only had she read the books, but she had all but worshiped the books. In her youth she had read them, then reread them, then read them again as she got older. She had visited the web sites when news of an impending movie first surfaced. She had gone to the chat rooms, the message boards, had even thought of making a page for it on her web site (because she had one, you know, a damn good one). And now, she was talking to someone that was actually working on the movie...and he was an asshole!  
  
"And you? Have you read them?" Orlando asked, looking towards Lisa. She shook her head.  
  
"I'm not into that sci-fi junk. But Hortense is...she's a bonafied trekky!" she grinned. Hortense blushed again.  
  
"Trekky?" Orlando asked, trying not to laugh. Hortense sighed.  
  
"Oh, shove off," she muttered bitterly. Of her dorky secrets, she did not need Lisa blabbing them, especially that one.  
  
"What?"  
  
Hortense closed her eyes and frowned. She got to her feet, a bit clumsily, then leveled them both with a glare.  
  
"I'll be someplace else...if you happen to need someone to tease again..." Hortense snipped. She started wandering down the beach, seething. Her fists clenched and unclenched as she trudged. Some days...it was best just to stay in bed. She started to brush the sand off of her legs, doing little good.  
  
***  
  
Lisa absently looked over her shoulder as her friend plodded off. She frowned.  
  
"She doesn't like you very much," she said with a small smile. Orlando shrugged.  
  
"Her loss."  
  
"Rather confident, don't you think?"  
  
"Maybe," he said with a shrug. Lisa giggled and let herself be led away, starting to prattle off something about Everyone Love as Finish Man and Portuguese. Orlando nodded.  
  
_________  
  
R/R please! ^___^ 


	5. Encounters

A/N Standard disclaimer...it's fictional, original characters mine...not affiliated with real people mentioned...all a figment of my overactive imagination.  
  
***Thank you to everyone that has reviewed!  
  
Chapter Four  
  
Encounters  
  
Hortense wandered back to the beat up pick-up truck, slightly defeated. She hadn't seen Lisa since she had stalked off, and didn't really want to see her again. She felt amazingly similar to a repentant two-year-old. Uncle Willie ambled towards the truck, wet, with surfboard under arm.  
  
"You missed all the action!" he exclaimed. Hortense arched an eyebrow.  
  
"I find that hard to believe," she sighed, leaning against the truck.  
  
"There were some amazing waves! It was great!" he called as he walked to the opposite side.  
  
"I'm sure."  
  
"Where's Lisa?"  
  
"Probably getting raped by an egotistical British ass," Hortense answered with a frown.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Long story. Let's just say Lisa and some guy named Orlando wandered off together...I guess. I'm not really sure, actually, I left before they did."  
  
"Getting *raped*??!!"  
  
"No...well...maybe...no...no...we...probably not..."  
  
"You know, Horty, you should give him a chance," Lisa called as her figure started towards the car. Hortense frowned again.  
  
"A chance? Why?"  
  
"Because he's a really great guy. Smart, cute, funny...talented..."  
  
"An actor," Hortense added with a smirk. Lisa rolled her eyes.  
  
"So what. Besides, we may get to be extras!" Lisa chirped.  
  
"Extras? Oh no. No, no, no, nononononono! I'm not going to be living scenery in some movie that *he* is in!" Hortense exclaimed, pointing vaguely towards the beach.  
  
"Maybe you two could get to know each other better...he really is a nice guy," Lisa said.  
  
"Do you actually LIKE him?!" Hortense nearly screamed.  
  
"Maybe...I mean...I dunno...he is British you know...foreign 'n all that," she said, absently fixing her bathing suit top.  
  
"So! So, Does a funky accent make everything else ok? Have you fallen in love with a man or just an accent?!"  
  
"Both! Hortense, calm down! Honestly, you'd think I was rushing off to the alter...just chill!"  
  
"Fine," she pouted. She fell into the rickety back seat of the pick up (after vaulting herself over the front seat...the lever that collapsed the back of the front seat so people get walk over it had broken years ago).  
  
"So, I hope everyone is hungry!" Uncle Willie exclaimed with a happy chuckle. Lisa blanched.  
  
"Uncle Willie, you know I can't eat anything but carrots and apples for the next two days! You don't think they're going to want some fat cow auditioning for their movie, do you?" Lisa exclaimed indignantly.  
  
"Well...then...I guess it's just Horty and me," Uncle Willie said with a shrug.  
  
"Hm?" Hortense sighed from the back, having half dozed off against the window.  
  
"We're going out to eat tonight," he called happily. Hortense nodded.  
  
"Really? Where?"  
  
"This great restaurant by the water...it's wonderful! You'll love it!"  
  
"Is Lisa going?"  
  
"No...she's fasting."  
  
"Fasting? When did Lisa become so religious?"  
  
"I'm not fasting! But I can only eat apples and carrots."  
  
Hortense heaved a great sigh, then settled back, feeling amazingly horrible as the sand in her bathing suit rubbed against her stomach.  
  
"So, Hortense, I was thinking of maybe going skydiving...or bungee jumping...or maybe cliff diving, if they have that sort of thing around her. What'dya say?" Lisa said, flipping the radio on and turning to face Hortense.  
  
"What?"  
  
"It would be great! Imagine the adrenaline rush!"  
  
"I dunno...maybe...if you get me drunk enough," Hortense said with a wry smile. Lisa frowned.  
  
"Again, I say, where *is* your sense of adventure?"  
  
"Tahiti, getting married to my best friend's cousin."  
  
"You're weird."  
  
"So kind of you to notice...will you be broadcasting this to the rest of the world as you did this afternoon?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Did you HAVE to tell *him* that I was a trekky?"  
  
"I didn't think about it...sorry. It just sort of...came out," Lisa said apologetically.  
  
"I know...I'm just being bitchy...ignore me. He just rubbed me the wrong way, I guess," Hortense sighed.  
  
"Strange, he seemed rather charming to me," Lisa said, running a hand through her blond hair.  
  
Hortense cast a sideways glance out the window.  
  
____  
  
That evening, Hortense found herself seated across from Uncle Willie in a small restaurant. Again, flowers were everywhere and the rhythmic pounding of the ocean waves worked to instantly relieve Hortense of all her tension.  
  
"So, Hortense, how are you liking New Zealand?" Uncle Willie questioned.  
  
"It's wonderful! Absolutely beautiful, a paradise...I just wish I could see more of it," she answered with a smile. Uncle Willie nodded.  
  
"Yes, it's a great place. Great for business too," he answered.  
  
"Do you think you'll have the Inn ready soon?"  
  
"Oh, maybe in a few months. There's still so much to do," he said with a tired sigh.  
  
"How long have you been working on it?"  
  
"Oh, two years. It was in pretty bad shape when I found it."  
  
"Do you know what happened to the previous owner?"  
  
"Nope, I've heard a few stories...nothing believable."  
  
"Like what?" Hortense questioned.  
  
"Well, they say that the previous owners had been recently married when they started the place. They were supposedly deeply in love...soul mates, I guess you could say. Anyway, years later, the wife took sick and died. He died shortly afterwards...they left only one child. A girl, she left for Europe with her husband, and the Inn was left in ruins. It went bankrupt, then was ignored. People had expressed interest in buying it, but said that it was haunted...by the couple."  
  
Hortense listened intently. Admittedly a hopeless romantic and a sucker for a sappy love story, she honestly wanted to believe that maybe it was true.  
  
"Sounds intriguing to say the least. And what do you think? Is it haunted?"  
  
"Not that I can tell," Uncle Willie answered with a good natured smile, "but enough about that. How's school?"  
  
"Oh...fine. Horribly stressful...I'm very glad to be on summer vacation," Hortense said with a sigh.  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Oh yes...I don't know what I was thinking-"  
  
At that moment, Uncle Willie's cell phone started to ring. He smiled apologetically.  
  
"I'm sorry...it'll only take a moment," he said, checking the caller ID.  
  
"Oh, it's no problem...go ahead," she said with a smile. Uncle Willie got up and moved towards the opposite side of the room. It was late in the evening and people were starting to get loud as they drank more and more.  
  
One table, in particular, was starting to get particularly raucous. Hortense looked towards the table and with mild disgust noted its occupants. Orlando was looking especially chipper, laughing and smoking, happily prattling on about something that was probably pointless.  
  
She turned back to the window and contented herself with watching the water.  
  
Moments later, she was roused out of her thoughts as she heard approaching footsteps.  
  
"Imagine meeting you here," a voice she immediately recognized said behind her. She turned around with a frown and managed to dump water all over her lap. With a yelp she jumped to her feet, and started dabbing at her skirt.  
  
"What do you want?" she all but spat, glaring.  
  
"Just trying to be sociable," he said with a smirk.  
  
"Well...fine...then...hello," she said, standing up straighter.  
  
"Where's your friend?" he asked, with forced civility. Hortense smiled slightly.  
  
"I think she had another engagement..."  
  
"Oh really," he said with a casual shrug.  
  
"Yes...she gets around guys, and suddenly she just can't control herself...it's strange."  
  
"Really? So...she has a boyfriend?"  
  
"A boyfriend? Oh no...not a boyfriend. But I think she's particularly interested in someone," Hortense said, happily watching him squirm.  
  
"Well, then, good for her. I suppose I should get back to my table."  
  
"Yes, I suppose you should," Hortense said, starting for the bathroom.  
  
Serves him right, she thought, trying to ignore her guilty conscious. Yes, so it was only a slight stretch of the truth, Lisa really was boy crazy, but still...she felt guilty. She bit her lip and started poking at her skirt with a towel, annoyed at her guilt. She would set him straight the next time she saw him...really...she would.  
  
____  
  
R/R please! Pretty please?! 


	6. And so it begins

A/N: All fictional! I don't own anyone but the original characters (basically anyone you don't recognize).  
  
SHORT CHAPTER  
  
**Thank you to reviewers! You make me so very, very happy! ^^  
  
1 Chapter Five  
  
2 *And So It Begins*  
  
Hortense awoke the next morning to the sound of a blender.  
  
"Hortense!!"  
  
"What?" she croaked in response.  
  
"GET UP! My audition is today! C'mon! We're going to be late!" Lisa screamed up the staircase. Hortense sighed and fell back into the bed.  
  
"All right...all right...all right," she sighed, getting up and hobbling towards the shower.  
  
___  
  
Lisa stared at the director.  
  
"What?"  
  
"I said...I want you to sing. You can sing, right?"  
  
"Uh...well...no…but I can learn!" Lisa exclaimed.  
  
"I specifically said that I wanted someone that could sing!" he said with irriation.  
  
"I'll learn!" Lisa exclaimed. The man sighed.  
  
"No...no...there is not enough time! Production must start immediately!"  
  
"But...but...I...I can try! Maybe I can sing...you never know!"  
  
____  
  
Hortense tried a sympathetic smile. Lisa was brooding in her room, and would not look at her friend.  
  
"I can't believe they wanted me to sing! I would have done *anything* else...but not singing," she moaned. Lisa's singing voice was known to be somewhat lacking. She had been kicked out of choir their freshman year. Apparently the teacher said she sounded like a strangled cat and was a disgrace to the entire singing community.  
  
"I'm sure there will be other opportunities," Hortense tried.  
  
"Yeah...sure...but my heart was set on this! The script really *spoke* to me!"  
  
"Lisa! It was in Portuguese! You didn't even know what you were saying!" Hortense exclaimed.  
  
"But still! I felt it! Couldn't you! I was really into it...the passion, the romance...the unrequited love!"  
  
"It was about a murdered prostitute and the STD she transferred to a Finish man..." Hortense said gently.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Bea didn't want to ruin it for you...she figured they'd tell you...I should have said something, I'm sorry," Hortense frowned.  
  
"That's preposterous! Who would write a movie about that?! Well...I guess...since we're down here...we might as well have fun," Lisa said, looking up at her friend.  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"Let's go dancing! Let's go out on the town! Let's go stuff ourselves somewhere with seafood!"  
  
"Wow...that was fast," Hortense sighed.  
  
"There's no use sitting around pouting!" Lisa exclaimed, jumping to her feet.  
  
"No! Of course not!"  
  
"So, I gotta get out! Meet new people! Explore new things!"  
  
"But your life in danger!"  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"Have sex with as many men as possible!"  
  
"Probably!"  
  
"Run through the park naked!"  
  
"Do they have a park around here?"  
  
"I dunno…we could find one?"  
  
"Sure! Why not!" There was a pause.  
  
"Lisa…are you * sure * you're feeling all right?"  
  
"Yes! I'm fine!"  
  
Hortense frowned and reached for the box of Kleenex on the table.  
  
"How 'bout we stay in tonight…rent some movies…gorge ourselves on sugar and popcorn…tell the movie industry to screw themselves."  
  
"Yeah, ok," Lisa sniffed, grabbing a tissue.  
  
"OK." Hortense said, getting up.  
  
"Where are you going?"  
  
"To a grocery store. Stay here…I'll be back in a minute," she said. Lisa nodded, grabbing for another tissue and blowing her nose loudly.  
  
___  
  
Hortense wandered up and down the aisles of the grocery store, desperately searching for chocolate sauce and whipped cream.  
  
"You know…you'd think they'd at least have whipped cream…" she muttered, searching the dairy case.  
  
"Horty!" she heard Lisa call. Turning around, a bit puzzeled, she saw her friend bounding into the store.  
  
"Lisa…what…what are you doing here?"  
  
"I couldn't sit around…besides…I remembered something," she said with a grin.  
  
"Oh…ok…what-what did you remember?" Hortense asked tentatively.  
  
"We're extras! Come on!" Lisa nearly screamed, a huge smile on her face.  
  
"What? How? When?" Hortense's brain started working painfully slow.  
  
"Just now…come on!" Lisa grabbed Hortense, who dropped the can of cheese-whiz she was clutching.  
  
Hortense couldn't remember what happened after that. It was a whirlwind of faces, places, and strange looking costumes.  
  
"Lisa…where are we?" she questioned quietly.  
  
"New Zealand, Hortense, on a movie set! Isn't it exciting!"  
  
Hortense looked around.  
  
"Yeah." 


	7. Different World

Note: all fictional situations…I'm not affiliated with any real people mentioned, enjoy! Oh…and…I've never been an extra. If anyone has any experience in this department, I could certainly use some guidance. Otherwise, you see, I have to make all of this up. Please excuse any discrepancies…heh.  
  
***Thank you to reviewers!!!!!!!!!!!!! :::bows to kiss feet:::  
  
Chapter Six  
  
Different World  
  
  
  
Hortense looked in the mirror. A hobbit. She was a hobbit. One of many, appointed to stand in the background and look happy. She grimaced and willed herself not to itch the artificial hair on her feet. Walking out of the tent, she wrapped her arms around her body, trying to fend off a biting wind. When did it get so cold? She bit her lip, then remembered the lipstick and blanched. Why did lipstick have to taste like lipstick?  
  
She looked for Lisa, but did not see her. They had been split up in the rush of people and ushered into different tents. In fact, Hortense mused, she hadn't seen Lisa all day. There were speeches made and instructions given, and then, the make-up…and now, she was standing in a throng of people. She smiled as someone passed her, but felt utterly disoriented. What had just happened? Only last night she was looking forward to bad movies and chocolate chip sundaes…now she was an extra? It all happened so quickly. And where was Lisa?  
  
Then, she noticed her friend walking towards her, wearing a white, flowing dress, and a long blond wig.  
  
"An elf." Hortense said simply. It would figure that she would be a hobbit and her friend would be an elf. A perfect, beautiful elf.  
  
"I guess. I'm not really sure what happened, actually. But, I think I like being an elf!" she exclaimed, whirling in her dress.  
  
Hortense smiled.  
  
"What are you?" Lisa asked.  
  
"A hobbit," she answered.  
  
"Lucky…you don't need a wig," Lisa said, bringing a hand to her head with a sigh. Hortense shrugged. As luck (or fate) would have it, her hair was long enough and curly enough that she didn't need any help. For once, her wildly frizzy hair was something other than a burden. Hortense absently pulled at her bodice, which was digging into her stomach. Her dress was a strange, dark green color and fanned out around her hips, making her look rather pear shaped, and not at all as elegant as Lisa. Her friend seemed to float about, and for some reason, whether the make-up or the clothes, she seemed to glow. If Hortense had ever felt so amazingly homely beside her friend, it was now.  
  
Lisa grinned and Hortense smiled back.  
  
_____  
  
Moments later, Hortense was seated around a table with four other hobbits. An elderly looking man, a woman that looked like she could have been a mad mom in a mini-van, and girl that was around Hortense's age.  
  
"So, what's your name?" the girl asked.  
  
"Hortense," she answered with a smile, taking the proffered hand.  
  
"Emily, it's nice to meet you. I was sucked into doing this. One morning, I was at the market, then…next thing I knew…I was sitting around in a dress with fake hair on my feet!" she said with a laugh. Hortense nodded.  
  
"My friend got me into this…I'm not even sure what's going on," Hortense sighed.  
  
"Oh, it's fun, just wait!" the older woman said, "I'm Lydia."  
  
"What, exactly, do we do?" Hortense questioned.  
  
"Well…we sort of just…stand around and do what he says," the older man said, pointing to a man in a baseball cap, not wearing shoes.  
  
"Oh." Hortense said.  
  
"I'm Jack, she's my wife," he said, pointing at Lydia. Hortense smiled at them both.  
  
"Hortense," she said. Her eye caught something moving on the side. She turned to see Lisa smiling and waving.  
  
"Is that your friend?" Lydia asked. Hortense nodded.  
  
"She's an elf," Jack stated. Hortense nodded again.  
  
"Lucky," Emily sighed. Hortense sighed too.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Oh, I don't know, we have fun," Jack said with a genuine smile. Emily laughed.  
  
"At the expense of the Orcs!" she giggled. Hortense arched an eyebrow.  
  
"What?"  
  
"They have to pile on so much make-up, it's fun to poke them," she said.  
  
"How so?"  
  
"Some can't even feel it," Emily giggled, "My boyfriend is an Orc."  
  
"Why am I a hobbit?" Hortense asked.  
  
"Because you look like one, I guess," Lydia answered.  
  
"It's a good thing…stop pouting," Emily said, poking Hortense in the side. With a jerk, she pulled away and managed to topple her chair backwards. Hortense didn't move for a moment. With a wheeze, she got to her feet and righted the chair.  
  
"I'm a bit of a klutz," she blushed. Jack and Lydia were in hysterics; Emily was trying to hide a smile. Hortense sat down again, careful not to disturb the table.  
  
"It's all right dear, everyone has their moments," Lydia said after she had caught her breath.  
  
"Some just more than others," Hortense shrugged. Someone yelled for silence, and the scene started rolling. With apt attention, Hortense started to drink in her surroundings. Yes, her obsession was finally being fed. A hardcore science fiction nerd, she was in her paradise. Pulling again at her bodice, she smiled contendedly. Maybe, just maybe, this wouldn't as bad as she thought.  
  
____  
  
Hours later, lunch was called and Hortense followed her new companions to what could only be described as an outdoors cafeteria. She looked around and realized that everyone mainly stuck with his or her respective "race". The elves ate together, the hobbits stuck together, and the orcs were crowded together. Hortense sighed. She thought she had left high school behind. She saw Lisa and smiled.  
  
"Horty! Over here!" she called. Looking back at Jack and Lydia, who shrugged.  
  
"I'll see you guys later," she said with a smile.  
  
"You're eating with the elves?" Emily questioned slowly. Hortense nodded.  
  
"Uh…I guess so…yeah. It's time for integration! It's time to break down the barriers! Rise up!"  
  
Emily giggled.  
  
"You're strange."  
  
Hortense arched an eyebrow. She'd been hearing that a lot lately.  
  
"You'd be surprised."  
  
"All right then, we'll see you later," Jack called as they parted ways. Hortense nodded. She picked her way through the tables and found a seat next to Lisa.  
  
"Hey! Haven't seen you in a while!" she giggled. Hortense nodded.  
  
"No kidding! What have you been doing?" she asked. Lisa shrugged.  
  
"Not much…I don't think they've gotten to our scene yet," she said, looking around at the others at her table.  
  
"Oh," Hortense said, aware of the eyes on her. She smiled looked up and smiled amiably.  
  
"I'm Hortense," she managed to squeak. They looked at her in turn.  
  
"Alexia," a female said, extending a slender, white hand.  
  
"Rez," the guy next to her said. He gave a huge, goofy, lopsided grin and shook her hand enthusiastically. She decided she liked him.  
  
"So, when do you think you'll get to your scene?" Hortense asked.  
  
"Probably after lunch," Alexia said.  
  
"Oh really," Hortense said, filling the awkward pause. Lisa managed another giggle.  
  
"What?" she asked, looking to her friend.  
  
"Horty…you've got something on your skirt," she said, picking off a well-placed ketchup packet. Hortense closed her eyes and let out her breath slowly.  
  
"It's not my year…"  
  
___  
  
R/R pretty please! I'm starting to set something up…things will start happening again, I promise! Any ideas? Suggestions? Comments? 


End file.
